Superheroes happened.
Superheroes saved our collective asses, and all our tabloids seem to care about literally, their asses.
Thanks, US Weekly, for that insightful coverage of possibly the most implausible event to happen in recent memory.
Check out the gallery and transcript below, to see what they really think about our mysterious (well, apart from Tony Stark) saviors. Apparently the woman should - get this - come with a parental advisory. As usual, word on the street is used in place of corroborated sources, and they've even appeared to out (in more ways than one) the big green dude. Lord help me.
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Transcript below the cut
Everyone's calling them
The Avengers, but who exactly are they?
...
Pg. 11 - Captain
America: Word is it America's new golden boy looks an awful lot
like the actor from those old newsreels!
Pg. 13 – Iron Man: A
self proclaimed playboy, is Stark really a team player, or is being
Iron Man more of a solo job?
Pg. 15 – Black
Widow: Her identity is still a secret, but for how long?
Pg. 16 – Hawkeye: The
man with the awesome arms is reportedly a former circus performer
named Clint Barton
Pg. 17 – Thor: Nobody
knows much about the Avenger with the godly call sign. Are his
abilities truly divine?
Pg. 18 – The Hulk: We
have three people on record who confirm the green giant is normally
mild mannered Doctor Banner. Apparently he's sorry about Harlem
...
Captain America –
Identity Unknown
He bears an uncanny
resemblance to the Cap from those old film reels. Was he really an
actor like we all thought, or is there a conspiracy behind this
handsome hero's identity?
What we know:
- Looks almost identical to the original Captain America
- Great butt
- Fights with a shield
- Commanding presence suggests military training
- Pulls off the flag suit
- Apparent super human strength and agility
Who exactly is this man
they're calling Captain America? That's the question still on
everyone's lips one week after the battle that almost destroyed New
York.
The uncanny resemblance
between the man in the WWII newsreels, and the costumed crusader
we've seen in the gigabytes of cellphone footage that's been popping
up (and just as quickly mysteriously disappearing) on youtube, is
most certainly telling.
Many are speculating
that this Cap is the original's grandson, or even great grandson.
We've heard of strong genes, but this is ridiculous!
Others are claiming
government conspiracies ranging from cloning, through to cryogenic
storage, and even time travel. When you suggest these far out ideas,
an exceptionally strong family resemblance doesn't seem so unlikely
after all.
But exactly how much
can we glean from a man in a suit that covers 98% of his skin? Well
it is a very tight suit.
We've consulted
experts, and after studying both Caps' build, height, and bone
structure, all of them have come to the same conclusion. The only way
these 'two men' could look so similar, is with shared genetics, or
extreme surgical enhancement. According to plastic surgeon Dr.
Richard Ellenbogen, the similarity in the entire lower half of the
face, as well as the set of the eyes, can only be explained by near
identical underlying bone structure. When we showed Dr. Ellenbogen
the grainy images of Cap without his mask, he became convinced that
the two Caps are the same man.
Cap doesn't seem to
wield any weapons, instead choosing to use his body, and a large and
very sturdy shield. His pinpoint accuracy seems to suggest
technological enhancement of some form.
His strength and
agility are also clearly superior to that of a normal human. Rumors
of government experiments in the forties are just that – rumors –
but they lend credence to some of the more science fiction based
explanations for the visual similarities.
Cap's physique isn't
just raising eyebrows because of the strength and speed. Blurry
images are popping up all over the internet. There is already a
twitter account @captainamericasbooty, and several blogs dedicated to
the appreciation of his form.
Looks like he's going
to be giving Tony Stark a run for his money in next year's sexiest
polls then? Or will he have to take off the mask first?
Speaking of Stark, we
wouldn't be surprised if there's some serious butting of heads in
regards to the leadership of The Avengers. While not an officially
confirmed villain fighting team, with Cap at the helm, this crew
of superheroes seem like the kind of people (beings?) we
can pin our hopes on.
...
Iron Man – Tony Stark
It's all in a days work
for one of the world's smartest people
What we know:
- Reportedly the third smartest person on the planet
- Multi fbillionaire
- Undisclosed heart condition
- First industrialist to ever be voted sexiest man alive
- Notorious party animal
- First superhero to reveal his identity publicly
- Reportedly dating CEO of Stark Industries, Pepper Potts.
If you'd told us two
years ago that Tony Stark, billionaire industrialist, and all around
life of the party, was about to become a fearless superhero, we would
have laughed in your face and told you to lay off the sauce.
Now, the former CEO of
Stark Industries claims to have calmed down and accepted that middle
age is upon him. And if settling down means donning a metal suit and
flying around defeating villains, then yes, we absolutely agree.
Since outing himself as
Iron Man, Star has radically (and successfully) changed the direction
of his company, launched a line of premium action figures, saved
various towns, cities, and countries from disasters and
villains, and been voted Sexiest Man Alive. And he doesn't
look to be slowing down any time soon!
Living life in the
public eye is something he is clearly used to, but he spends more
time suited up on the cover of TIME nowadays, than half naked on the
front page of TMZ. The gossip site has featured a significant drop in
Stark related antics over the past year. Outside of the suit, anyway.
After the averted
disaster at Stark Expo last year, Iron Man has been seen out and
about with Stark Industries CEO (and his former personal assistant)
Pepper Potts, fueling speculation of a romantic liaison. While
there's no official word on the relationship, a number of sources
close to the rumored couple have confirmed the existence of a
committed relationship between the two, no doubt breaking hearts of
ladies (and more than a few men) across the globe.
Potts, a savvy
businesswoman, has worked for Stark Industries for a number of years,
reportedly hired as a college graduate, eventually rising to the
position of PA and unofficial minder of the hunky billionaire. We
don't know much about you, but we think it looks like a match made in
heaven!
As for his relationship
with fellow superheroes, sources report the presence of a woman
resembling the Black Widow at Stark Industries headquarters in LA for
an extended period last year. It appears to be his first time working
with the rest of the team, however. We can't help but wonder if the
self proclaimed egotist will butt heads with Captain America, who
appeared to be the leader during the Battle of New York.
Whatever happens, were
glad to have Iron Man on our side. With Stark's history of unstable
and erratic behavior, he would certainly make for a dangerous
villain!
...
Black Widow –
Identity Unknown
She's a complete
mystery. Which just makes her all the more intriguing!
What we know:
- Highly skilled acrobat, markswoman, and hand to hand combatant
- not much else
We now next to nothing
abut the gorgeous woman with the call sign 'Black Widow', but one
thing's for sure – she's bound to be the number one role model for
a whole generation of young girls!
This kick butt beauty
appears to, like the man known as Hawkeye, be an agent for an
existing paramilitary group, if the emblem on her uniform is anything
to go by. We've scoured the streets and the internet for information
on her, but have yet to catch even a glimpse of the woman the
twitterverse has taken to calling simply 'Red'.
There have been reports
of a doppelganger working for Stark Industries in 2009, serving for a
short period as Tony Stark's personal assistant following the
promotion of Pepper Potts to CEO. While this appears to be an
enticing lead, Stark Industries is staying mum on the subject.
We've studied footage
from various sources, and are continually amazed by this woman's
fearless and extremely athletic assault on the aliens we now know as
the 'Chitauri'. One video in particular shows her using Captain
America's shield to fling her on to the back of one of the small
alien craft!
We almost feel like
Black Widow should come with a label stating kids, do not try
this at home!
...
Hawkeye – Clint
Barton
Despite being one of
three team members with an identifiable face, the archer with the
call sign 'Hawkeye' is surprisingly tough to pin down.
What we know:
- Exceptional with projectiles
- Very acrobatic
- Appears almost completely fearless, as indicated by jumping off a thirty story building!
- Incredible arms
- Weapon of choice isn't exactly a new technological development
Almost immediately
following the appearance of amateur footage from last week's battle,
social media sites were awash with the revelation that the man
bystanders heard referred to as 'Hawkeye' is, in fact, a former Iowan
circus performer named Clint Barton.
While the original
tweets and posts were swiftly removed (we can only assume by some
shady government agency, perhaps the one whose logo can be seen on
both Hawkeye and Black Widow's uniforms), the news spread quickly,
and has been corroborated by numerous sources since.
Despite this revelation
in identity however, any actual information on the man appears to be
securely locked down. We have approached a few people who claim to
have knowledge of Mr Barton, but so far everyone has been extremely
tight lipped.
While Hawkeye appears
to be human, we can't help but wonder about his extraordinary skills
with a bow and arrow. While the paleolithic weapon may seem a strange
choice, the large array of arrows seem to make it a very versatile
tool. There also appears to be an obvious rapport between Barton and
the Black Widow, the two working together with the ease that you
would think only comes from many years together in the field.
One thing's for sure,
we can't wait to see more of those amazing arms!
...
Thor – Identity
Unknown
Is he a god, an alien,
or just a man with some serious technology under that cape?
What we know:
- Crazy powerful hammer
- Another looker. What is up with all the hotties?
- Somehow the cape doesn't get in the way
- Can fly
His name is Thor. He
looks like Thor. He has a bizarrely powerful hammer like Thor, and we
have a sneaking suspicion that he may be a god like Thor, if not
actually Thor himself.
Thor appears to have
the ability to channel electrical current through his hammer, which
also seems to give him the ability to fly, and returns to him on
command, no matter the obstacle.
All this sounds
completely ludicrous, but with an alien race invading from a wormhole
above Stark Tower, does anything really seem impossible any more?
We've done some
research on the deity from Norse mythology, and unless this man with
the godly name is wielding some serious tech under the armor and the
cape, we think our theory may be pretty spot on!
Mythologically, Thor is
associated with thunder, lightning, storms, and the protection of
mankind. Even more interestingly, the human looking villain helping
the Chitauri was heard to be referred to as Loki by
many bystanders. In the myths, Loki is a trickster and shape shifter
who brings about the end of the world as we know it.
Is it possible that
Earth was just the battle ground for a godly grudge match?
Who knows whether this
being's appearance on earth is a good or a bad thing, but it can't
hurt to have him on our side.
...
Hulk – Dr. Bruce
Banner
He's unpredictable, and
more than a little terrifying. How long with the green giant stay on
the righteous path?
What we know:
- Turns green when he gets angry
- incredibly attractive when he's not angry
- near impermeable skin and unmatchable strength
- PhD in nuclear physics
Although not as public
as Tony Stark's Iron Man persona, the identity of the monster known
as The Hulk has been a badly kept secret for much of the
past two years. After a destructive rampage through Harlem (which
we're in formed his alter ego is regretfully sorry about), reports
flooded in to media outlets identifying the green giant as the
normally mild mannered physicist, Doctor Bruce Banner.
A former faculty member
at Culver University in Virginia, Dr. Banner, 41, was reportedly
quiet and unassuming, right up until the moment when an accident in
his government funded laboratory caused him to suffer severe
radiation exposure. Since then he has made a few appearance as Hulk,
but has only been spotted twice in his more human form.
Bruce Banner hails from
Dayton, Ohio. The son of Brian, an atomic physicist, and Rebecca
Banner, a homemaker, a young Bruce reportedly was often seen
conducting experiments in the areas surrounding the family home. The
tragic murder of his mother by her own husband when he was just ten
years old, was a very high profile and well documented case in the
city's history.
He many not be strictly
'human', but Hulk saved Iron Man, and helped save New York, and for
that, we're incredibly grateful.
Awesome! A new home for MA! :)
ReplyDeleteLove the new look and all the attention you've been getting lately. Well deserved.
ReplyDeleteTBH, I started this blog as a fun thing for the fandom, not for the attention, which has been negative in a lot of ways, and steadily becoming more difficult to deal with. Thanks though, for the support, it's greatly appreciated, and I'm so glad there are still people who find the blog enjoyable!
DeleteLoving the new look on Blogger. Hope to see more of your work on Google+.
ReplyDeleteMediAvengers has a G+ Page! The links down at the bottom of this site :D
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