Aliens attempt New York Invasion, US Weekly only cares about butts

Alien invasion? Kind of unprecedented, really. Unless you believe all the global conspiracies about well... just about every event in ancient history. But this time around we had the cameraphone footage to prove it really happened. Along with superheroes.

Superheroes happened.

Superheroes saved our collective asses, and all our tabloids seem to care about literally, their asses.

Thanks, US Weekly, for that insightful coverage of possibly the most implausible event to happen in recent memory.

Check out the gallery and transcript below, to see what they really think about our mysterious (well, apart from Tony Stark) saviors. Apparently the woman should - get this - come with a  parental advisory. As usual, word on the street is used in place of corroborated sources, and they've even appeared to out (in more ways than one) the big green dude. Lord help me.

Transcript below the cut

Everyone's calling them The Avengers, but who exactly are they?

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Pg. 11 - Captain America: Word is it America's new golden boy looks an awful lot like the actor from those old newsreels!

Pg. 13 – Iron Man: A self proclaimed playboy, is Stark really a team player, or is being Iron Man more of a solo job?

Pg. 15 – Black Widow: Her identity is still a secret, but for how long?

Pg. 16 – Hawkeye: The man with the awesome arms is reportedly a former circus performer named Clint Barton

Pg. 17 – Thor: Nobody knows much about the Avenger with the godly call sign. Are his abilities truly divine?

Pg. 18 – The Hulk: We have three people on record who confirm the green giant is normally mild mannered Doctor Banner. Apparently he's sorry about Harlem

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Captain America – Identity Unknown

He bears an uncanny resemblance to the Cap from those old film reels. Was he really an actor like we all thought, or is there a conspiracy behind this handsome hero's identity?

What we know:

• Looks almost identical to the original Captain America
• Great butt
• Fights with a shield
• Commanding presence suggests military training
• Pulls off the flag suit
• Apparent super human strength and agility

Who exactly is this man they're calling Captain America? That's the question still on everyone's lips one week after the battle that almost destroyed New York.

The uncanny resemblance between the man in the WWII newsreels, and the costumed crusader we've seen in the gigabytes of cellphone footage that's been popping up (and just as quickly mysteriously disappearing) on youtube, is most certainly telling.

Many are speculating that this Cap is the original's grandson, or even great grandson. We've heard of strong genes, but this is ridiculous!

Others are claiming government conspiracies ranging from cloning, through to cryogenic storage, and even time travel. When you suggest these far out ideas, an exceptionally strong family resemblance doesn't seem so unlikely after all.

But exactly how much can we glean from a man in a suit that covers 98% of his skin? Well it is a very tight suit.

We've consulted experts, and after studying both Caps' build, height, and bone structure, all of them have come to the same conclusion. The only way these 'two men' could look so similar, is with shared genetics, or extreme surgical enhancement. According to plastic surgeon Dr. Richard Ellenbogen, the similarity in the entire lower half of the face, as well as the set of the eyes, can only be explained by near identical underlying bone structure. When we showed Dr. Ellenbogen the grainy images of Cap without his mask, he became convinced that the two Caps are the same man.

Cap doesn't seem to wield any weapons, instead choosing to use his body, and a large and very sturdy shield. His pinpoint accuracy seems to suggest technological enhancement of some form.

His strength and agility are also clearly superior to that of a normal human. Rumors of government experiments in the forties are just that – rumors – but they lend credence to some of the more science fiction based explanations for the visual similarities.

Cap's physique isn't just raising eyebrows because of the strength and speed. Blurry images are popping up all over the internet. There is already a twitter account @captainamericasbooty, and several blogs dedicated to the appreciation of his form.

Looks like he's going to be giving Tony Stark a run for his money in next year's sexiest polls then? Or will he have to take off the mask first?

Speaking of Stark, we wouldn't be surprised if there's some serious butting of heads in regards to the leadership of The Avengers. While not an officially confirmed villain fighting team, with Cap at the helm, this crew of superheroes seem like the kind of people (beings?) we can pin our hopes on.

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Iron Man – Tony Stark

It's all in a days work for one of the world's smartest people

What we know:

• Reportedly the third smartest person on the planet
• Multi fbillionaire
• Undisclosed heart condition
• First industrialist to ever be voted sexiest man alive
• Notorious party animal
• First superhero to reveal his identity publicly
• Reportedly dating CEO of Stark Industries, Pepper Potts.

If you'd told us two years ago that Tony Stark, billionaire industrialist, and all around life of the party, was about to become a fearless superhero, we would have laughed in your face and told you to lay off the sauce.

Now, the former CEO of Stark Industries claims to have calmed down and accepted that middle age is upon him. And if settling down means donning a metal suit and flying around defeating villains, then yes, we absolutely agree.

Since outing himself as Iron Man, Star has radically (and successfully) changed the direction of his company, launched a line of premium action figures, saved various towns, cities, and countries from disasters and villains, and been voted Sexiest Man Alive. And he doesn't look to be slowing down any time soon!

Living life in the public eye is something he is clearly used to, but he spends more time suited up on the cover of TIME nowadays, than half naked on the front page of TMZ. The gossip site has featured a significant drop in Stark related antics over the past year. Outside of the suit, anyway.

After the averted disaster at Stark Expo last year, Iron Man has been seen out and about with Stark Industries CEO (and his former personal assistant) Pepper Potts, fueling speculation of a romantic liaison. While there's no official word on the relationship, a number of sources close to the rumored couple have confirmed the existence of a committed relationship between the two, no doubt breaking hearts of ladies (and more than a few men) across the globe.

Potts, a savvy businesswoman, has worked for Stark Industries for a number of years, reportedly hired as a college graduate, eventually rising to the position of PA and unofficial minder of the hunky billionaire. We don't know much about you, but we think it looks like a match made in heaven!

As for his relationship with fellow superheroes, sources report the presence of a woman resembling the Black Widow at Stark Industries headquarters in LA for an extended period last year. It appears to be his first time working with the rest of the team, however. We can't help but wonder if the self proclaimed egotist will butt heads with Captain America, who appeared to be the leader during the Battle of New York.

Whatever happens, were glad to have Iron Man on our side. With Stark's history of unstable and erratic behavior, he would certainly make for a dangerous villain!

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Black Widow – Identity Unknown

She's a complete mystery. Which just makes her all the more intriguing!

What we know:

• Highly skilled acrobat, markswoman, and hand to hand combatant
• not much else

We now next to nothing abut the gorgeous woman with the call sign 'Black Widow', but one thing's for sure – she's bound to be the number one role model for a whole generation of young girls!

This kick butt beauty appears to, like the man known as Hawkeye, be an agent for an existing paramilitary group, if the emblem on her uniform is anything to go by. We've scoured the streets and the internet for information on her, but have yet to catch even a glimpse of the woman the twitterverse has taken to calling simply 'Red'.

There have been reports of a doppelganger working for Stark Industries in 2009, serving for a short period as Tony Stark's personal assistant following the promotion of Pepper Potts to CEO. While this appears to be an enticing lead, Stark Industries is staying mum on the subject.

We've studied footage from various sources, and are continually amazed by this woman's fearless and extremely athletic assault on the aliens we now know as the 'Chitauri'. One video in particular shows her using Captain America's shield to fling her on to the back of one of the small alien craft!

We almost feel like Black Widow should come with a label stating kids, do not try this at home!

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Hawkeye – Clint Barton

Despite being one of three team members with an identifiable face, the archer with the call sign 'Hawkeye' is surprisingly tough to pin down.

What we know:

• Exceptional with projectiles
• Very acrobatic
• Appears almost completely fearless, as indicated by jumping off a thirty story building!
• Incredible arms
• Weapon of choice isn't exactly a new technological development

Almost immediately following the appearance of amateur footage from last week's battle, social media sites were awash with the revelation that the man bystanders heard referred to as 'Hawkeye' is, in fact, a former Iowan circus performer named Clint Barton.

While the original tweets and posts were swiftly removed (we can only assume by some shady government agency, perhaps the one whose logo can be seen on both Hawkeye and Black Widow's uniforms), the news spread quickly, and has been corroborated by numerous sources since.

Despite this revelation in identity however, any actual information on the man appears to be securely locked down. We have approached a few people who claim to have knowledge of Mr Barton, but so far everyone has been extremely tight lipped.

While Hawkeye appears to be human, we can't help but wonder about his extraordinary skills with a bow and arrow. While the paleolithic weapon may seem a strange choice, the large array of arrows seem to make it a very versatile tool. There also appears to be an obvious rapport between Barton and the Black Widow, the two working together with the ease that you would think only comes from many years together in the field.

One thing's for sure, we can't wait to see more of those amazing arms!

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Thor – Identity Unknown

Is he a god, an alien, or just a man with some serious technology under that cape?

What we know:

• Crazy powerful hammer
• Another looker. What is up with all the hotties?
• Somehow the cape doesn't get in the way
• Can fly

His name is Thor. He looks like Thor. He has a bizarrely powerful hammer like Thor, and we have a sneaking suspicion that he may be a god like Thor, if not actually Thor himself.

Thor appears to have the ability to channel electrical current through his hammer, which also seems to give him the ability to fly, and returns to him on command, no matter the obstacle.

All this sounds completely ludicrous, but with an alien race invading from a wormhole above Stark Tower, does anything really seem impossible any more?

We've done some research on the deity from Norse mythology, and unless this man with the godly name is wielding some serious tech under the armor and the cape, we think our theory may be pretty spot on!

Mythologically, Thor is associated with thunder, lightning, storms, and the protection of mankind. Even more interestingly, the human looking villain helping the Chitauri was heard to be referred to as Loki by many bystanders. In the myths, Loki is a trickster and shape shifter who brings about the end of the world as we know it.

Is it possible that Earth was just the battle ground for a godly grudge match?

Who knows whether this being's appearance on earth is a good or a bad thing, but it can't hurt to have him on our side.

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Hulk – Dr. Bruce Banner

He's unpredictable, and more than a little terrifying. How long with the green giant stay on the righteous path?

What we know:

• Turns green when he gets angry
• incredibly attractive when he's not angry
• near impermeable skin and unmatchable strength
• PhD in nuclear physics

Although not as public as Tony Stark's Iron Man persona, the identity of the monster known as The Hulk has been a badly kept secret for much of the past two years. After a destructive rampage through Harlem (which we're in formed his alter ego is regretfully sorry about), reports flooded in to media outlets identifying the green giant as the normally mild mannered physicist, Doctor Bruce Banner.

A former faculty member at Culver University in Virginia, Dr. Banner, 41, was reportedly quiet and unassuming, right up until the moment when an accident in his government funded laboratory caused him to suffer severe radiation exposure. Since then he has made a few appearance as Hulk, but has only been spotted twice in his more human form.

Bruce Banner hails from Dayton, Ohio. The son of Brian, an atomic physicist, and Rebecca Banner, a homemaker, a young Bruce reportedly was often seen conducting experiments in the areas surrounding the family home. The tragic murder of his mother by her own husband when he was just ten years old, was a very high profile and well documented case in the city's history.

He many not be strictly 'human', but Hulk saved Iron Man, and helped save New York, and for that, we're incredibly grateful.